Thoughts

This is a place where you can write you thougts and stuff, right?

So here i go.. i need to write something I realized last night..

It's in english just for practise, silly in a way, but I don't care right now.

The thing i realized is this.. I don't understand this family thing.. truely..
well I mean that, sure I know how I want it in the future, and sure, I have a "family" and wonderful friends that I see as my family in a way, but not this "family"- family..

For example last night, at this wonderful friends party at her family's place, I saw how a family should be.. loving and supporting.. and a special bond between them.. I've seen it at the most of my friend's families.. And it's amazing, it's so beautiful to see.. and in a way be a part of it..
But I've never felt this bond, never felt like a part of a family.. so I've created my own.. a family of friends.. but I've never had this true real family..

I grew up scared of my own mother, growing up in fear, with sorrow and pain in my heart..
I have a dad whom I love.. but I don't have this bond with him.. we are like friends.. and it hurts when i write this.. but it's true.. And my so-called mother I really don't want to mention at all but anyway, I lived with her during my growht.. and tought it was normal, that everyone had it like this, but I think somewhere I knew all along that it was wrong.. that's why I never mentioned it to anyone.. I kept it for myself.. deep inside.. like a cloud of pain, and sorrow that grew every day for about 20 years or so.. It was close that this shit ended my life, but it didn't and I'm really glad that I'm still here..

I think it fucked me up badly.. or at least it could have.. if I'd had let it... but I didn't.. I refused in a way.. I wanted to break this chain of evil, and I did.. I believe in love and peace, and try to keept it that way around me..

Sometimes I just feel so alone..

Fuck.. I've cried so much about this, and it still hurts sometimes.. but it's a part of my life, whom I am..

Ok, back to this family buisness..

In a way I wish I had grown up with a real family and all.. but then.. I would't be the one who I am.. So I just have to wait untill I create my own family with someone someday..

now you maybe know a little more about me.. but it's to much to write here.. right now



and as a last thing..

TO ALL MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY-MEMBERS WHO DESERV IT..

I LOVE YOU, YOU ARE MY FAMILY.. AND THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE!!

(serious.. I do love you all... as a family)